National Telescope national telescope newspaper
By Lateef Adewole
In the past one week, since Father’s Day was celebrated on Sunday, 20th of June, it seems like men “don vex”. The amount of posts and picture messages that flooded the internet and social media platforms was unprecedented. It was as if men held a meeting, where they passed a resolution that they must be recognised and their voices must be heard, “by fire by force” (lol). Can we blame men? Not at all. Since all the attentions seem to, almost always, go to the womenfolk. It’s either Mother’s Day or Women’s Day. Girl-Child or Gender equality (which basically focuses on women). The men and the menfolk have almost been forgotten or paid less attention.
I have been challenged a couple of times by my fellow men. It has to do with the more attention I have paid to females and the voices I have given to them, in my writings. Truth be told, I have written some articles which were specifically centred on women or girl-child, but none about men, despite being a man myself. It got to a point they felt I have been recruited by the “feminist movement” or became a feminist. Not really.
This informed my resolution, many months ago, that I will write about men and I chose a not less auspicious occasion to do so, than at a time that fathers are being recognised and celebrated; the Father’s Day.
Firstly, congratulations to all fathers. I mean, “responsible” fathers! Why the emphasis on responsible? Well, being a father is beyond donating some semen to a woman who eventually gives birth to a child. It’s beyond being called “dad or papa”. It’s a lifetime of commitment to sacrifice, self-denials, painful endurance and labour, just to take care of others. It’s not a child’s play.
Ironically, in spite of such humongous sacrifices by responsible fathers, such are less seen or appreciated, or not at all. Sometimes, by the very people for whom the sacrifices were made. That’s the height of ingratitude any human being can be subjected to and endure. Worse still, a responsible man would never for that reason, abandon his duties to the same people. Such is the altruism of the fathers’ ways.
There was one picture message I saw. It has a man on the floor, carrying the woman and a child. The child’s face was facing the woman’s, who made a kiss gesture to the child, a show of love. That was the only thing the child could see where he was standing, the burden of which the man bore. That’s the typical example of what a man goes through in real life, as he tries to cater for his family.
He goes out to do whatever it takes to earn income and put bread on the table. He accepts insults from bosses, clients and costumers. He gets humiliated and his pride trampled upon. He does all these with dignity just for his family. He hides his pains and tears from being seen to protect his family from the trauma. He lives and exists for his family.
A father is expected to be a super-human. Oftentimes, people forget he is ordinary human being too. And his call to duty didn’t start only when he has his own child. As a young man, he is expected to protect his sisters. As he starts working, he is expected to support his parents financially and otherwise, in raising his siblings. When he comes of age, he is expected to get marry and should do the chasing of the ladies.
In relationship with the opposite sex, he is expected to be “man enough” by taking care of his girlfriend or fiancee. To get marry, he is expected to shoulder the whole or substantial part of the wedding ceremony. After marriage, his tortuous journey just began. He is expected to cater for his new wife. Housing, feeding, clothing and other welfarism. His performance in “za oza room” can never be compromised, irrespective of whatever burdens him at heart. He must “deliver” at all times.
When his wife becomes pregnant, he has double assignments to undertake at pre-natal. Taking care of the wife and her pregnancy. On delivery of a child, his full fatherhood odyssey begins. Baby foods, diapers, post-natal healthcare, and all manners of need. All rest on him. As the child grows up, so are father’s responsibilities. The child begins schooling. Tuition fees, school books, uniforms, bags, shoes, and all other needs become necessary. He has no choice. Additional children put more pressure.
From newborn to infant to toddler to preschool to school age to teenager to adolescent to young man or woman to grown up (adulthood), a father’s duties never end. He is expected to provide leadership to the family. He guides the home, not just physically but spiritually. He is expected to be the disciplinarian who instills virtues and discipline in the children, an act that children often misconstrued as “wickedness or harshness”. This usually pitched children against their father, if not carefully managed and handled with wisdom.
In many instances, the father should get admission to higher institutions for their children, sponsors them all through, guide them to the national service (NYSC) and even get jobs for them on graduation and passing out from service. Sometimes, a father marries for his children. All these selfless activities were never as simple and smooth as being simplistically narrated. It could be a seriously rancorous journey, especially if the mother is not supportive.
However, when the children are all grown and independent in a way, the father is the one who often receives the short end of the stick. The father would most probably be aged, weaker and exhausted at this stage. This is a time he needs more supports but majority hardly get such. The mother, who the children might have seen as the “loving and caring” one, could take the place of both the father and herself in their lives, especially the “insensitive and selfish” mothers. It could be as bad as mothers turning the children against their fathers where their is no cordiality between them. This could lead to undue suffering, ill-health and or untimely death for the father, in worse case scenario. How more wicked can the world be to such men, who laboured all their lives for their families, only to end up in such situation?
So, “a man’s gatta do what a man’s gatta do”. This first principle I suggest a father should imbibe is to never looked forward to depending on his children at any stage in his life. Therefore, as he works while still capable, he must make adequate provisions for his retirement and old age. Anything short of that is a suicide mission. A father should be well prepared such that whatever his children do for him in supports, as they grow up, would be “bonuses”. He should, already, be able to take care of himself.
Two. A father should not kill (literally) himself trying to please his family. He should do everything humanly possible within his capacity to provide for them. And that should be it. It will be foolhardy trying to impress them or allow himself to be pushed into competition in frivolities. This is not uncommon with women. They have a way of manipulating men to do their biddings, against the men’s wishes and capacities. A man must be disciplined to know when enough is enough, and put a stop to whatever he is being pushed to do beyond his capacity.
Many men have been pushed into crimes just to please their families. All these stories of corruption, stealing of public funds, embezzlement in organisations, frauds, yahoo-yahoo, 419s, robberies, money rituals, drug trafficking, human trafficking, banditry and all sorts, that have parvaded our society today, mostly committed by men, are for what purpose? To what end? They are often geared towards satisfying women and pleasing families beyond the men’s real financial capacities.
I have made one personal assertion over the years, based on experience; “that majority of men who commit crimes do so because of women”. I stand to be corrected. Therefore, man must know when he is crossing the lines. “Following the Jones” is the easiest way to get lost. You want your children to attend the best schools, which could be outrageously expensive. To live in mansions in highbrow areas. To adorn designer clothes, shoes and other wears. Eat the best meals and even overfeed. Travel on vacations to choice locations around the world, when in actual sense, the man’s real financial resources could not afford them. This is a recipe for crimes and criminalities.
Again, as a father struggles to fend for his family, he must concurrently take good care of himself. He should eat well. As the Yorubas would say; “okun inu la fi n gbe t’ita” (physical strength is propelled by inner strength). Many of us forget to eat while pursuing our daily breads for our families. I was guilty of this for many years. Combining breakfast at lunchtime or differing lunch till dinner. That was a very common practice among many responsible and hard-working men.
Likewise, as the saying goes; “ilera l’oro” (health is wealth). Every man should take good care of his health. Nothing irritates family members, including wives and children, more than an invalid father, who sadly, could have sacrificed his health while young as he tried to fend for the same people.
It’s important to instil discipline in children but it’s more important to do so with love. As much as possible, a father should communicate with his children, befriend them and make them know why he does what he does, especially where it concerns them and disciplining them. Let it be said that he tried his best to get them to understand and appreciate what he was doing. That it was out of love for them and their future, and not from the place of callousness.
The father should guide his children and family in the way of God. And I don’t mean “religious dogmatism”, as we see mostly in Africa and by Africans. The father must lead by example and not precept. This will make his fatherhood work easier with their personal convictions and beliefs in what God demanded of them.
Mothers should pity fathers. The keys to many children’s hearts are in their mothers’ hands. Women should have mercy on men. They should educate their children to understand the sacrifices of their fathers for them. When children misbehave, punishment should not be left for the fathers. Mothers should punish any erring child, whether in the presence or absence of their fathers. The practice of saying; “I will report you to your father”, needs to be amended, if not stopped. It puts fathers in very bad light with the children.
The place of a father in a child’s life and his roles in a family cannot be overemphasised. Like I read somewhere: “When it comes to celebrating him, it is done casually. He may not have breasts to breastfeed, yet everyone sucks from his unseen breasts. He may not carry pregnancy for nine months, but he’s always pregnant with family needs. He may not know how labour pain feels, but his pains are not physical. Tears may not be in his eyes but he bleeds from inside when he has no means to put food on the table for his household.”
Such is the fate of most responsible fathers!
May the Almighty continue to bless and strengthen all responsible fathers as they face fatherhood.
This article is dedicated to my late father; Alhaji Abdulazeez Adebisi Adewole Ojikutu.
May God forgive his shortcomings and rest his soul in peace.
Adieu, My Father!
God Bless Nigeria.
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